Bachelorette Crashers
by elseven
Summary: Wait, Schmidt isn't the stripper and why is Winston drinking fruity drinks! Jess loses control over the bachelorette party but not before catching Nick's eyes staring at her in that red dress!


**a/n: Huge thanks to Mayalala for editing this repeatedly and to Captain Crunk for the feedback and suggestions.**

**I had a much shorter version of this posted around the time the spoilers for Bachelorette Party came out, and took it down just a couple of hours later because I didn't feel great about it.**

**So again, thanks to Mayalala for the push to finish it.**

* * *

Winston Bishop stood uncomfortably on the sidewalk of a street lined with lamp posts and antique looking mailboxes, pleading with his friend. "Schmidt do not do this!"

"I'm not taking no for an answer Winston. You can't make an ex go to your wedding unaccompanied. She _will_ hear me." Schmidt couldn't understand why his friends refused to see his side of things.

If he had to witness his exotic gem finally slip from his grasp into the hands of that _tiny_ man, then of course he deserved to bring a date.

If it made Cece jealous, oh well. If it made her question a future with a skinny boy who was half her height, compared to a sculpted Adonis like him, then so be it. If she decided that ending things with him was the biggest mistake of her life, that was fine too. He wanted her to know what she was missing, that he was capable of being something to someone, and what better place than at her wedding to another man? Sound logic in his opinion.

Nick heard the voices outside but kept his eyes forward. _I'm not getting involved. Not my business. I don't even want to be here right now._

He leaned his head back on the cool leather of the headrest inside Schmidt's car, looking straight out into the deserted street. Aside from the occasional jogger, or late night pet walk, there wasn't much going on tonight. _What a place to have a bachelorette party._ In his personal opinion, too many of these houses, each seemingly identical with the exception of a different shade of beige or blue on the doors and shutters, had the lights turned out early. _It's barely 10pm! _

Nick Miller decided that this was a dull place to live, and made a mental note to never purchase a house on a street with a name ending in "berry", unless he wanted to die of boredom before old age. _Like you could even afford a window pane in this neighborhood, _he chided himself_._

Seeking a new distraction, he decided to play a game in which he would guess three items in Schmidt's glove compartment, and if he guessed right, he... well he probably needed to make new friends already. _Moisturizer, Tide pen, hair gel._

He opened it eagerly, embarrassed at how easily amused he was. _Mistake mistake! Bad idea. _The second his eyes scanned a box that read BJ blast, he slammed it shut. Game over.

With nothing left to do, he let his curiosity get the best of him and looked outside his passenger window to find out what the hell was going on.

Schmidt was peering through a window from behind some bushes outside Sadie and Melissa's home. _Oh dammit._

Nick finally got out of the car and went after him."You're lurking outside your ex-girlfriend's bachelorette party, stop being creepy. Let's go!" he hissed.

"I'm sure Emily Post would agree that my current actions are warranted."

"Emily who?" Nick would never understand the things Schmidt said even if he cared to try.

Schmidt scoffed. "Paleolithic caveman."

Nick just frowned at this and turned to Winston, who was leaning against Schmidt's car, for help.

"Winnie…"

Winston took a deep breath and walked up. He already knew this was a failed mission. "Come on man. You said we were going to a movie."

"Well surprise Winston. We're not at the movies." He made his way to the front door and the guys scrambled after him, grabbing his arms.

"Schmidt, no! There's probably naked men in there or something. Jess will kill you." Winston tried to reason with him.

"It's cool. I looked in the window. We good bruh." Schmidt squirmed out of their grasp and made for the door.

"What did you just say?" Nick looked disgusted. "No Schmidt!"

He rang the doorbell.

Nick and Winston ran to hide up against the wall beside the doorframe.

"Ladies and not-so-gentlewomen" They heard Jess' voice grow increasingly louder in the direction of the door. She was doing her own goofy impression of a ringside announcer. "Come and get it while it's hot hot hot. Get ready for dirty _Todd_ and his-"

"Schmidt?!" Jess shrieked as she swung the door open.

Schmidt's roommate stood at the door in complete shock, looking slightly inebriated. The ladies were all crowded in the living room.

He beheld the most obscene phallic décor he had ever seen. Jess had really outdone herself with Cece's bachelorette party. Sadie had offered her house so she wouldn't have to be that _super_ pregnant lady at a club. The space was set up for lots of drinking, dancing, and games, and the women were all dressed to the nines. She wanted this night to be one her best friend would never forget.

"Jessica Day. How did you ever read Mother Goose to children with that _mouth?"_

"I was a _middle_ school teacher Schmidt. What are you doing here?"

"I have some business to attend to." He walked right past her and into the house, uninvited.

Then he saw Cece, and she was livid. She marched up to him, pulling him out of the room. "You have issues!" the model could be heard saying through gritted teeth as they disappeared down a hallway.

Jess caught sight of something by the door and peeked her head around. "Oh my god."

Winston and Nick stood there smiling nervously at her. _How long have they all been out here?_ She had possessed the vocabulary of a drunken sailor tonight. Jess had set up an environment exclusively for women and _oh my god they aren't supposed to be here._

"Jess, I swear we didn't even know he was doing this." Winston was the first one with the courage to step up to the door. "Oh, hey, I now see why you need an economy pack. They're multi-functional." He was looking past her at the crafty ballroom sized chandelier she had put together with dozens of inflated condoms.

"Ugh. Come in. Please go deal with Schmidt." she said.

Winston joined the party but Nick dragged behind. He walked up to Jess with a smirk on his face. "Sorry you had to waste that lovely introduction." He signaled over to the street as a car parked in front of the house. "But it looks like Todd just pulled up. I can do a catchy drumroll if you need one."

"Shut up." Jess looked over Nick's shoulder and yes, the stripper had indeed arrived. She wasn't looking at Nick at that moment but she could feel his eyes all over her. She was wearing a red mini dress that belonged to Cece. The neckline was pretty low and it had cutouts on the sides. It wasn't a 'Jess dress' by any means but the models had coaxed her into wearing it when they got ready at Cece's, with _no_ stockings to boot. She knew she looked hot tonight, and after reveling in the way he was staring just long enough, she got back to business. "Okay we need to get rid of Schmidt and, well, you guys. This isn't a party for _men."_

"Except the stripper guy, that you're gonna ogle, right?" he said, almost sounding offended but still smiling at her.

"Well he has a job to do. So. Yeah. That's what we're gonna do! You three can't be here." Jess replied, annoyed that she should have to state the obvious.

"Well good. _I_ don't want to watch that guy get naked." He paused for few seconds_._ "You shouldn't either for that matter. It's an exploitative business. Some of them are used as drug mules."

"You're talking about a completely different thing."

"Just remember, there's a no touch rule. Don't wanna have to break ya out of the slammer, Winston and I wouldn't have enough for the bail and Schmidt would make you stay in there on principle." He continued teasing her.

"Ew Nick! I'm not going to grab the stripper."

His grin only grew as he knew he was getting to her. "Whoa, I didn't say _grab._ I said touch. _You_ said grab. Why are you thinking of grabbing the stripper Jessica?"

Jess wasn't having this conversation anymore. "Just get in the kitchen." She led Nick through the house while calling out to the women. "Be right back. Melissa can you please let Todd in?"

They found Cece yelling at Schmidt. Winston was sitting at the table reading Cosmo with napkins shoved in his ears, drinking from an umbrella garnished cup of the heavily loaded concoction Jess had in a crystal pitcher. He was giggling incessantly at whatever he was reading. He was probably already on his second.

Cece looked like she could wring Schmidt's neck. "I told you there's a budget. For my wedding. What part of I'M GETTING MARRIED makes you think I'm jealous!"

"Just give me a plus one Cecilia!" He demanded as he stomped his feet.

"No. What makes you think you can just show up and act like _this_ after I _already_ said no and expect a yes?!"

He saw Jess a few feet away, arms crossed and glaring, and knew he was running out of time. He stepped closer and lowered his voice, hoping the others wouldn't hear him. "We're friends, right?"

She shook her head, sighing. "Yes, Schmidt. Why else would I have invited you?"

"As a friend, are you really asking me to sit through _your_ wedding…alone?" he gave her the most pathetic look she had ever seen.

As much as he hated admitting it, it was the truth. He couldn't imagine doing it. Sitting there, watching her agree to start a life with a near stranger when _he_ had offered her everything, and she had turned him down. Having someone there that day would be a necessary diversion.

"Fine Schmidt." Cece's face softened. She understood, seeing the vulnerability in his eyes. "You can bring a date."

"Thank you." he gave her a genuine look of appreciation.

Mere seconds later he turned to face Jess, Winston, and Nick. "Now who wants to see the lesbians get a lap dance, because I for one am very curious."

"Out Schmidt! Get out!" Jess grabbed him by the sleeve and started dragging him back to the front room, Winston and Nick in tow.

"Leave the cashmere out of it!" He slapped her hand away defensively, petting the stretched fabric. He and Winston walked out, shouting "good night" behind them.

Nick paused at the door. Hesitating to leave Jess in that dress, he faced her and raised his hands up in front of him, palms out. "Remember, strippers have rules" he said very slowly and turned to follow the guys out, waving goodbye to everyone.

It took a moment for her to understand what he was saying. "Oh god Nick, go home." She laughed. He turned around and gave her one last smile, which she returned warmly, before heading to the car.

As Jess made her way to the couch, she noticed Cece giving her one of those smiles that only a lifelong friend could use to convey a specific message, her eyes squinting ever so slightly. She plopped down next to Cece.

"Shut up." Jess said in a quiet voice

Cece just kept smiling. "Let's do this thing Todd."

The music started and the women began hooting and hollering. When one of the models reached over to smack Todd from behind, the image of Nick with his "no touch" gesture popped into Jess' mind. She giggled.

_Ugh. Shut up. _She tried to tell herself.

* * *

Nick was sprawled out on the couch of the dimly lit loft, with his shoeless feet propped up on the coffee table. He didn't know why he was still up, he had been nodding on and off since one in the morning. Still he tried to stay awake, shouting at the image of Bruce Lee on the tv screen, telling him which moves to make next.

There was a knock at the door and he immediately perked up. _Jess must have misplaced her keys. Not enough fabric for pockets on that dress._

He went to answer but it wasn't Jess on the other side of the door.

"Um, officer?" Standing before Nick was a city cop, tall and muscular with a full head of blonde hair. He had his hands on his sides, gripping his holster. He looked worn out, like it had just been _one of those days _on the job.

"Sorry to disturb you at this late hour sir, is this the residence of a 'Miss Jessica Day'? Are you Mr. Miller?"

"Yes-I-am-is-Jess-okay?" Nick felt his heart stop for a second. He couldn't get the words out fast enough.

"She's completely fine Mr. Miller, but there was a problem."

"A problem? What happened?" If those knuckleheads got themselves pulled over for something he was going to give them hell.

"She got herself into some trouble."

"What do you mean? What did Jess do?" Nick was starting to worry that the officer was preparing him for what he had to hear.

"A bad thing."

_What the hell kind of cop is this? Spit it out! _"What is it?"

"She was a little...naughty." This is when Nick frowned in utter confusion. _Naughty? Whaaaa? _

He took a step back from the door and suddenly he knew. The instant it registered in his mind must have also been written all over his face, because as if on cue, he heard an ear splitting cackle from somewhere behind the man.

Jess stepped out from the corridor next to the elevator, a dark blue police hat on top of her head. She was holding her stomach from laughing so hard.

"Very funny Jess." He looked anything but pleased. He shot a glare at the stripper. "Ya got me."

Jess tried to speak through incontrollable spurts of laughter. "Todd...thank you...so...much."

The stripper only returned Nick's glare with a friendly smile. "Anything to brush up on my theater skills. Well, I think I'm done here. Good night Jess."

Jess called out good night to him as she shut the door. She found that Nick had already made his way back into his couch hole, and she walked over and sat on the coffee table in front of him. "I just had to do it."

"Good one pal." He looked at her with his eyebrows raised and a hint of amusement in his eyes. "You have fun tonight?"

"So much." Her bright smile finally drew one out of him.

He didn't say anything in reply, and they just sat there smiling at each other like idiots a few seconds _too_ long.

Just enough time to create the awkward moment now passing between them. Nick felt the immediate need to bolt to his room, but he stayed glued to his seat, afraid to make any sudden movements. She was still wearing_ that damn dress._

In an effort to break the tension he cleared his throat. "You, um, make a habit out of stealing people's hats?"

"Oh." She had forgotten she was wearing it. Removing the hat from her head, she observed it. "Whoops."

"I'm sure he has spare."

"I'm sure you're right."

His plan hadn't worked. It was still weird.

Jess turned the hat in her hands so that the front faced her. "Hmmm." She scooted closer to the edge of the coffee table, closing in on the space between her and Nick, her eyes locked on his.

He froze, holding his breath. _No. Sudden. Movements._

She placed it on his head, taking her time to adjust it, giving herself an excuse to run her hands through his hair more than a couple of times.

Nick wasn't complaining, wasn't saying anything really. He chanced a look down the front of her dress as she touched his hair and fussed with the hat. He was pretty sure she'd caught him, but she didn't let on if she had.

She slid back away from him on the cool surface. Cocking her head to one side, she took in the sight before her, and a certain look crept up on her face.

Given everything they had been through lately, Nick knew that look by now. She wanted him. It terrified and thrilled him. _At least this makes more sense than gargling beer._

Jess decided now was the time to call it a night, before things got out of hand. Rising to her feet very slowly, she pointed a finger pistol at him and with a wink said, "night officer."

She made it to the hallway successfully, and looked back. He was still watching her from his seat.

"You're really weird sometimes." He didn't know what else to say, and it sort of captured what had just happened perfectly.

"Good night Nick."

"Good night Jess."

With the click of the door, in completely different rooms yet at the same exact moment, they let out an audible sigh of both relief and frustration.

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**Reviews are appreciated!**


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